Andrew Lapides
As a society, we have largely ignored the mental health needs of men. Many men walk around wounded psychologically without ever realizing it.
The Making of Stoicism
From a young age, many men are taught to “toughen up” and “be a man.” The old adage that boys don’t cry rings true for most of us. Our fathers modeled being stoic and non-emotional, and used anger to instill fear rather than connection. This taught many of us to lock down our emotions the same way our fathers did, cutting ourselves off from what we feel in our own bodies.
Anger as the Only Permitted Emotion
As a result, many men rely on the one emotion they’ve been permitted to have: anger. Oddly, anger is the one emotional expression that’s socially acceptable for men, so it becomes the channel through which helplessness, fear, anxiety, depression, sadness, and powerlessness all get expressed.
Anger has a bad reputation, and understandably so. It can push away the people we love and get us into trouble at work, in relationships, legally, and at school. Left unchecked, anger can escalate into rage – an out-of-control, reckless, and often self-destructive state that leaves deep shame in its wake. Watch how many men drive recklessly fast down the highway; that’s often what disconnection from one’s emotional needs looks like in real time.
Where It Comes From
Issues of control, power, and abuse often run in the background of men’s relationships with their fathers. I’d argue that the traditional expectation to “toughen up” and avoid emotion is itself a manifestation of trauma – a dissociation in which the body numbs itself to cope with something overwhelming.
The Cost in Relationships
As a couples therapist, I often see men who genuinely don’t know what they need or feel. This leaves their partners frustrated by a lack of reciprocity and emotional attunement. Because of early psychological injuries, many men become neglectful and out of contact with their partners – not out of indifference, but because they’re hurting in ways they don’t recognize. Partners are left feeling shut out, unable to connect or collaborate.
A kind of covert depression, unrecognized by most healthcare providers and therapists alike, runs through many men’s lives. Male depression often doesn’t resemble the criteria for “major depressive disorder” in the DSM-5, which has left a lot of men without the help they need.
Shifting Expectations
The rise of the feminist movement has rightly pushed for better treatment and equality for women, in society and in relationships. But it has also reshaped gender roles and expectations in ways that leave many men confused about how to show up in their relationships and families.
Men are now expected to provide financially while also communicating openly, staying emotionally attuned and sensitive, and remaining strong and in charge. That combination is a tall order, and many men fall short of it – disappointing and enraging the partners who need them to meet it.
What Men Need to Heal
Men need other men to heal, and they need therapists who understand what that healing requires. Much of the work happens in small, internal moments – noticing what’s happening beneath the surface. As a male therapist, I model for my clients how to catch their own emotions and reactions in real time, and I help them unearth the feelings they’ve long repressed out of fear of being vulnerable, hurt, or manipulated. Men can grow – they just need the conditions and the safety to become who they actually want to be.
