Andrew Lapides
Something hides in plain sight that most people fail to recognize and are afraid to talk about: relationships with people who cannot see beyond themselves. These are partners, parents, and employers who are cruel, insensitive, or hurtful toward the people closest to them – people who need to be seen as all-powerful, perfect, and all-knowing. They demand to be right, refuse to admit fault, and can’t tolerate the expression of suffering, which they often dismiss as “weakness.” Behind closed doors, they are controlling, moody, and generally unpleasant, coercive, and manipulative – while presenting as friendly and successful to the outside world.
Why This Goes Unrecognized
The deeper problem is that our society fails to recognize personality disorders – or even traits of them – and the damage they do. Health insurers, the medical community, and legal systems routinely miss what should be obvious. Insurance companies won’t reimburse for these disorders, and many psychotherapists avoid naming them for fear of repercussions. Some clinicians simply aren’t trained to recognize or treat them. Doctors are given little guidance on what to look for. And in divorce proceedings, judges are often swept up by a narcissistic partner’s charm – and by the skill of the lawyers they hire.
Narcissistic men and women aren’t just “self-centered” in the casual sense. They have traits that actively harm the people around them in the pursuit of power and control. To casual acquaintances, they can seem like genuinely nice people; to those who live with them, they’re a nightmare. Domestic violence is frequently connected to these relationships.
The Impact on Children
Living with a malignant narcissistic parent can shape the rest of your life, especially your relationships. Depression and anxiety in adulthood are often rooted in the trauma of growing up with a parent like this.
Narcissistic personality disorder is complicated further by its origins: it typically comes from a legacy of abuse and trauma passed down through generations, often without anyone in the family recognizing it.
Many children of narcissistic parents eventually have to limit contact to reclaim their own lives. That choice often brings a grief that’s hard to describe. To complicate things further, most can never actually confront the parent with the label “narcissistic personality disorder,” because narcissistic people are rarely able to hear or accept their own behavior, let alone its impact. I generally advise against ever using that label directly with someone – it isn’t something they can take in.
Underneath the bravado, narcissistic individuals are often profoundly empty. The grandiosity is a mask – a way to feel powerful and in control, and to get what they want when they want it. That grandiosity can be intimidating, and it’s not something to try to puncture. When they’re placed in a position of powerlessness, vulnerability, or accountability, many become deflated and rageful. They throw up defenses against the feeling of inadequacy, because their fragile egos can’t tolerate being seen as they actually are – so they lean into a false, all-powerful persona, and can become vindictive and manipulative in the process.
Children raised by narcissistic parents often struggle to know who they “really are,” having spent years living in their parent’s shadow. As they grow into adults and begin discovering their own identity, they push back – and that pushback can fracture the relationship or spark ongoing conflict. Setting boundaries is something a narcissistic parent typically can’t understand or accept, because psychologically, they see their child as an extension of themselves rather than a separate person entitled to their own decisions and identity.
Moving Forward
Recovery is possible, despite the pain these relationships cause. Pushing away a family member because of their toxic behavior is never easy. But finding out who you really are – often through your own therapy – is critical to getting there.
If this resonates, do yourself a favor and find a therapist who understands this territory well. On the other side of it, you’ll be a stronger person, living life on your own terms.
